Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Outsmart the Fart!

So we have a phrase at our house that I'd like to share with you. It's called "Outsmart the Fart". It's a great phrase, has two separate meanings, and it's so catchy and fun to say that I can see it easily sweeping the nation in the not too distant future. It originated from one of our classic kitchen white board moments, where you blurt out something with out thinking and it becomes an instant family classic.

Well as some of you know, if one were to "pass gas" so to speak, that gas (seemingly thicker than air) can quickly immerse in and around said farter. If that same said farter were say, to directly walk into the room, the gaseous cloud would waft on in right behind them thus leaving the entire room to smell the inner workings of their bowels.

HOWEVER. If a fore mentioned farter started out in the direction of the room, but quickly and without provocation doubled BACK from whence they came, (rightly confusing the noxious fog) then whip around in an rapid about face before traveling into the new room, the lost fart, not knowing which way to go would head in the opposite direction, and all in the room entered would be safe. Soon, it became a matter of courtesy. If a smell lingered about you, politely "double back" before entering a new room... and the phrase "Outsmart the Fart" was born.

Now the phrase seems to pop up whenever we talk about trying to outsmart a clever person or find the most desirable conclusion to tricky situation. For example: Hey your boss wants you to work this weekend but we've got those concert tickets, we should try and "outsmart the fart" and see if you can get out of it. Or borrowing from my many new motherhood experiences: Hey we want to eat some ice cream but we don't want the baby to see, so we'll have to be sneaky and "outsmart the fart" so they'll still want to go to bed on time. Remember, it's a great multipurpose, catchy phrase. So feel free to take our "Outsmart the Fart" and run with it... just be sure to double back first.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

20 more random facts about me:

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I'm sure you were sitting around saying to yourself, - "self, I just need to know a bit more about this girl they call "Jenn". What makes her tick and where does all this wackiness come from?" Yes I heard your inner-most thoughts and have posted a few more peculiar facts about myself for your bemusement. Enjoy

1. I'm afraid of Oompa Loompas. The song creeps me out

2. I have a talking Donald Trump doll - who fires you and gives business advice

3. I have double jointed thumbs and can bend them back over the top of my hand

4. I like ketchup, spaghetti sauce, and salsa, but NOT tomatoes

5. I can scratch the inside of my throat by making this somewhat annoying snorting sound

6. One of my favorite candies is red hots

7. I can tell entire bedtime stories in "spoonerisms" (see link below)

8. If timed correctly, I can make an entire free lunch from Costco samples

9. I can sleep with the lights and TV on, but turn everything off and I'm wide awake

10. I once jumped off a pretty steep hill going "on a lion hunt" in preschool. It's one of my earliest memories and I thought the lion was going to "get" me after we found it. I ran in a panic and leaped off the embankment

11. My baby threw up in my mouth last week. Gross

12. I like to dye the marshmallows in my rice crispie treats different colors

13. I've been behind the scenes /employee area at Disneyland - saw Mickey with his head off

14. I'm a sucker for Yankee candles - especially butter cream

15. I can text in T9 without looking down at the phone once

16. I always play the end of a classical piece first, if it ends lame, I won't play it, OR I'll make up my own ending. What do those timeless composers know anyway?

17. I get annoyed if people or companies do not color the rainbow properly ROY. G. BIV.

18. I just got my first mailing from the AARP. They're over 16 years off but jeez it freaked me out.

19. I have met in person my four musical inspirations. Amy, Amy, Emily, and Patty

20. My wedding registry included a bag of Cheetos. I received two

Spoonerism link

Monday, July 17, 2006

Love you Forever... or until mommy DIES!

I must be one cold-hearted, non feeling bitty. My sis in law gave me a bedtime story book as a gift for baby #2. She says she cries every time she reads it. Matter of fact, she almost started crying telling me she cries when she reads it. I'm thinking, wow, this must be a good book. Never could I have been more wrong. The book in question is apparently a "classic" (for the life of me can't figure out why) that's been around since 1945. How did I go this long without knowing about it I'll never know but I am so relieved it was never read to me when I was an impressionable child. The title of the book? "Love you Forever".

The story starts out ok, very sweet actually... but then it get's weird fast. Starts with a mother and her young infant son. After he's sleeping she crawls across the floor and then rocks him singing a lullaby. As the boy ages and starts to do bad things the mother continues to crawl across the floor, when he's nine he starts swearing in front of grandma (the little punk), when he's a teenager he smells and eats pizza, still she's crawling. Here's the ringer, now he's grown up, an adult who moves out on his own. Late in the middle of the night the mother straps a ladder to the roof of the station wagon, drives across town, breaks in through a window, CRAWLS across the floor and rocks her full grown son singing him that same creepy lullaby.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be".

Shortly after that, she's too old and decrepit to go stalking, so the son comes and rocks her, calling her "mommy" in the song instead of baby. Then, she dies. The man then goes in and sings the same song to his infant daughter.

Now the people that LOVE this book say it's a story of a mother's never ending unconditional love. Other people who detest the book find it creepy that she's stalking and rocking a full grown son. Here's my problem with the book. WHY IS SHE CRAWLING?? Maybe when the baby is tiny, you might crawl so they don't see you, but then you drive across town, breaking and entering into your grown sons' house... and still you crawl across the floor? If she can handle a stick shift and a ladder, she's obviously capable of walking. And the sing-song refrain is odd too.. 'as long as I'm living'... that's a nice thought to put in a kid's head right before bed. Hey, Susie, we're all mortal, oh yeah, and mommy will DIE one day... sweet dreams?That's nice.

What's with all this morbid stuff for kids anyway? Grim fairy tales, Ring around the Roses (about the plague), Rock-a-bye-baby (nice lullaby about an infant falling out of tree), and other stories and songs from the past that have death, dying, and maiming as the underlying theme? When you've got this beautiful, tiny child in your arms, the last thing I want to do is remind them life sucks and I'm gonna die. This world's a wacky place, let's try to keep the children loved and safe as long as possible. Oh yeah, and whatever you do, don't read them this book.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Painful Timewarp

So what the heck happened to June... or the end of May for that matter? Nothing like having a new baby to make you lose all sense off time and space. What with all the early morning feedings, burpings, and endless diaper changes, makes ya wonder how people don't go loopy at the thought of it. Matter of fact, while trying to type this very blog I was puked upon and had to go give a bath and clothing change to the little one, not to mention myself as well. It should also be noted that I am typing this entire entry with one hand, as I am now re-feeding the baby and balancing the end of the bottle with my chin. Damn, if only there was an Olympic medal for multitasking...I'd sweep up.

So much time has passed since my last entry that it would be safe to say I've fallen victim to what we like to call at our house a "painful time warp". Many moons ago... ok like 5 years ago (what's that, like 60 moons?), when I first got married to my hubby, I inherited teens (his teens, two of them) - who turned out to be quite funny in their own right. Hubby and I happened to be in the kitchen and step teen #1 was around the corner in the living room, talking loudly and right in the middle of a long story. She was moving about while she talked and all of the sudden made this squeak/scream/gasping noise accompanied by a thunk (like she had fallen down) - then dead silence. We both looked at each other as the moments ticked on without a sound... then she all of the sudden started talking, picking up right where she left off, like nothing had happened. No explanation of the horrible noise was given. Suddenly we both started laughing and I blurted out, "What the heck happened, did you fall into a painful time warp?" It was like she'd been sucked off the planet for a few seconds (painfully) then placed back in the same spot, just a few seconds off, with no recollection of being gone. And thus, a new family phrase was born. So if you ever have a span of time you can't quite account for, chalk it up to a "Painful Time warp".
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